The Rise of the Christian Sharia - Welcome to Jesusistan

I am constantly amazed how the religious right is opposed to the establishment of Sharia in the United States, but have no fucking problem with a Christian Sharia. The idea is, don't force your religion on me, but you can't expect me not to force my religion on you. 'Cuz I love Jesus. And Jesus is right.

Female students at Wasatch High School in Utah had their yearbook photos edited to conform to the Mormon modesty rules.

All they Modesty Police have left to do is cover up that intoxicating chest, that adorable neck, and those lovely lips.  And I find her hair hot!  And that nose! I am aroused!

She should cover everything but her eyes. Well, they are pretty awesome, too.  She should be wearing a full burqa.

Here's the deal, if you don't want bare shoulders in the yearbook, ban them in your school.  Oh! You can't do that? Why not?

North Carolina to Declare an Official Religion

A couple of Tealiban State Representatives of North Carolina have introduced a bill that would give the state the ability to declare an official religion.

That's right! North Carolina wants an official religion just like Iran and the people who took down the Twin Towers!

Part of the nullification wave, this law reads, "The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools, or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion."

Nowhere does it say which religion will be official, just that they can make a religion official.  While I'm sure that religion will be Christianity, I'm not sure which flavor it will be.  Southern Baptists are the largest group in North Carolina, with 1.5 million adherents. Methodist follow at a little over 600,000 and Lutherans clock in at about 300,000. The other religions (Catholics, evangelicals, Muslims, etc) claim about 857,000 faithful. (Actual numbers are here, in case you think I'm talking out of my ass.)

So, since there will be an official religion (probably a Baptist/Methodist/Lutheran composite to keep the remainder of the riffraff in line), the state could say only members of those faiths can hold office. You know, in the same way that you can only use English in government, since that's the official language.

The government of North Carolina will be spending millions to defend it in the legal system. Apparently, North Carolina has a budget surplus.  Who knew?

Is Your Religion School-Approved?

Ginger Strivellis a witch. No, really. She practices witchcraft as a religion. One day, her son came home from school with a Bible. The Gideons International dropped off a few boxes of Bibles and the school announced that they were free to any student who wanted one.

Ginger marched down to the school and asked why they were giving away Bibles. The principal said that they would distribute any religious books to anyone who was interested. So when she offered to donate spell books to the school for anyone that was interested, she was turned away.

The school board is reviewing the matter and is not taking any donations of religious texts. They will make a formal decision at the next meeting, in February.

I have problem with this story.

The principal wasn't walking down the hallway between classes passing the darned things out. They were giving them to people who were interested in them. Ginger's son had to go to a specific location (presumably the office) and get the Bible. He was interested. No one forced him to get a Bible. He did it himself. Is Ginger transferring her anger at her son to the school?

As pointed out in the story linked to above, the School has two choices in the matter: accept no religious books or accept all religious books. I don't care which option they pick, either. But I think Ginger's making a mountain out of a molehill.

I love archaeology stories. And I love biblical archaeology stories. While I don't believe the Bible is God's literal words, I do admire how well it chronicles history. And here's a story about some house that the real Jesus--the brown, Arab-looking guy that actually existed, not the white, Anglo-Saxon guy portrayed by Jeffrey Hunter--that was found in Nazareth.

Set Denial Beams on FULL!

Evolution sighted in humans! Someone check the Bible for a sufficiently vague quote to refute this.

Texas now requires religious instruction in school. Oops. Sorry. Christian religious instruction in school. You're kid's a Jew? A Muslim? A Buddhist? Tough. They have to study the Christian Bible. Welcome to Jesusistan.

What astounds me is that people are objecting to Obama's speech to schoolkids tomorrow because he's "indoctrinating" the children, but they don't have any problem with indoctrinating kids this way.

Once upon a time, the Israelite were slaves in Egypt. (Stop me if you've heard this.) Some guy named Moses killed a bunch of Egyptians and the Israelites were allowed to leave and walk back to Israel. Now, at first, the Israelites were so happy that Moses delivered them, they worshipped his God. But it's a long walk from Egypt to Israel. Moses went up on the mountain. He was having a meeting with God, who had some new rules he wanted posted by the water fountain. He was gone so long, that the Israelites started worshipping a golden calf. When Moses found out, he got so mad he broke the stone memo God had written, put them in a box that Indiana Jones would store in a big warehouse.

I might have mixed up both movies.

So then why are upstanding Jesustanis praying at the foot of the gold bull on Wall Street? I thought that was like number two on the list of things not to do. Next thing you know, adultery will be okay.

(Photo by Wonkette operative “Dan the Man”.)

Dinosaurs existed as the same time as men, as mentioned in the book of Job and helped build the pyramids, says Vince Fenech, Evangelist pastor and director of a fully licensed, State-approved Maltese Creationist institution which admits children aged between four and 18. Fenech is quick to add that he doesn't teach it, he just believes it.

Why is this man being oppressed? Why must he give up his religious beliefs to teach at the school. You would think he was living in America. Someone call Kirk Cameron and get him on this!

Welcome to Jebusistan!

I have blogged before about abandoning the sciences for the mystical. I have mentioned that some believe God can lower gas prices. Well, they're back, too.

God can't answer prayers. God isn't even powerful enough to create Evolution, how can he manipulate market prices. Hell, He can't even heal amputees!

Oh well, I, for one, welcome our new Fundamentalist Christian Overlords. As a valued member of the blogosphere, I can be useful in rounding up the non-fundamentalists to toil in your underground food caves.

Welcome to Jesusistan, where we teach mysticism alongside science and we teach that God is the prime mover in market forces.

That whack job who held the prayer vigil in San Francisco a while back has been holding other economic prayer services across the country, lately in Washington D. C.

And they called Reaganomics "Voodoo Economics."

In a stunning demonstration at God's ability to answer prayers, prices have risen forty cents a gallon. Apparently, God hates drivers as much as he hates amputees. He won't help either group.

I'm going to go out on a limb here. We have the coming together of three perfect market storms that is going to drastically remake American life, and you had better get used to it. First, as China and India are upgrading their diet, they are demanding more grain, forcing the prices up. At the same time, farmers are diverting more land from food production to corn for biodiesel, driving up prices of the foods they aren't growing and, thanks to Archer Daniels Midland hiring Al Gore to make a movie, corn for biodiesel prices are also escalating wildly. Second, the fuel it costs to ship the more expensive food is going up, adding more to the price of food. Third, here in Jesusistan, a real estate adjustment of Biblical proportions is shaping up. Millions of people will be losing their homes in the next few years due to questionable lending practices, and the consumer lifestyle we idolize. These folks can't afford to make their car payment, credit card payment and their house payment. How can they buy more expensive food and fuel?

Would you care to hazard a guess what isn't going up? That's right! Wages for the working class. Farmers are getting more money. Bankers are getting more money. ADM is getting more money. Oil companies are getting more money. Me? I got a thirty cent an hour raise this year. That's $12 a week! Whoo!

So why aren't these people praying for employers to pay more?

Recently, Jesustanis gathered at a San Francisco gas station. Were they there to protest anti-Christian products? Protest anti-Christian music?

Nope. They were praying for lower gas prices.

Now that we have abandoned science in the classroom in favor of invisible beings who go around saying "Abracadabra," we are now abandoning the study of economics. Instead of "Supply and Demand" we now teach "you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" (Matthew 21:22).

Apparently, the teachings of Jebus have been changing. Instead of "Turn the Other Cheek" or "The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth," Jebus now demands death threats against non-believers.

Corporal Jeremy Hall was sent home early from Iraq because he is an atheist.

It eventually came out in Iraq in 2007, when he was in a firefight. Hall was a gunner on a Humvee, which took several bullets in its protective shield. Afterward, his commander asked whether he believed in God, Hall said.

"I said, 'No, but I believe in Plexiglas,'" Hall said.

He said his fellow soldiers confronted, one group even followed him as he walked across the post and harrassed and no one stopped them. In fact, the Army has said it couldn't even protect him if he was posted to Fort Riley.

That's right. The Army cannot protect atheists.

Welcome to Jebusistan!

Planning some holiday debauchery that will imperil your chances to get into heaven? Visit these fine folks to reserve your spot in Heaven. That's right, just like you can pay someone so you can drive your Hummer and still be green, you can pay some one and sin and still go to heaven.

Who says Capitalism has no soul?

Steve Bitterman, a 60 year old college professor with two degrees, was fired after telling a couple of his Western Civ students after class that they shouldn't take the first chapter of the Bible literally. Naturally, they reacted in a perfectly appropriate manner: jihad.

"I'm just a little bit shocked myself that a college in good standing would back up students who insist that people who have been through college and have a master's degree, a couple actually, have to teach that there were such things as talking snakes or lose their job," Bitterman said.

Welcome to Jebusistan, Professor Bitterman!

How well do AmeriKKKans who profess to be devout Christians really follow the 700 rules of living found in the 100% true, always to be obeyed, literal Word of God?

Well, there are still plenty of churches that allow women to teach men in direct conflict with 1 Timothy 2:11-13: [11) A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12) I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. 13) For Adam was formed first, then Eve.] By that law in God's Holy Writ, Hillary Clinton should not be President. Or, for that matter, in the Senate.

How about Ecclesiastes 9:8 [Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil.]? A lot of Christian men wear dark suits to church.

And how many adulterers sit in church pews as pillars of the community, instead of being stoned to death as the Bible, the 100% true, must be obeyed, literal Word of God?

Well, A. J. Jacobs' new book, The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible, chronicles his attempt to follow the Bible's rules, all 700 of them, literally. Isn't it ironic that a journalist would make that effort and not a hardcore member of Jebus' flock?

Honor the Texas flag;
I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas,
one state under God,
one and indivisible.

To be honest, I didn't remember we had a pledge to Texas, and I certainly didn't remember that Jebus wasn't in it. And they're requiring it now?

Anyway, after solving all of Texas' other problems, the State Legislature recently passed a law adding "Under God" to the state pledge. So if you had the old pledge memorized, you gotta relearn it.

Praise Jebus!

We are winning, beloved. The army of righteousness is smashing the minions of science and learning. But we have much work to do! Right now, 1 in 5 Jesustanis believe that the sun orbits the Earth, as taught in the Bible. WE NEED 100% BELIEF, DEAR HEARTS! Otherwise, Satan and Osama bin Laden will overrun this country!

Remember, science is the work of the Devil. And if it isn't mentioned in the Holy Bible, the 100% whole truth, the indisputable word of Jebus, then it isn't true and does not and cannot exist! Like domesticated cats. As soon as we get the heliocentrists under control, maybe we can get women out of positions of authority and back into the kitchens, where they belong!

Cosimo Cavallaro created a 6 foot tall chocolate sculpture of Jebus on the Cross, and the Fundies are mad! Can you believe it? (Even the hot Asian chick on Fox is pissed! She wondered why CNN wouldn't run a story on the Mohammed cartoons but would run a story about a chocolate Jesus. Duh! Can you say IED? CNN knows that Muslims will use them and Christians won't, unless it's an abortion clinic.)

They don't have a problem with a chocolate rabbit stealing everyone's attention from the Lord. They don't have a problem with multinational corporations making millions of dollars in celebration of when He was risen from the dead. They don't have a problem with a clucking rabbit becoming the symbol of a religious holiday. But they get pissed when someone sculpts Jebus out of chocolate.

It's time for the Religious Right to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. They need to demand that candy companies stop selling candy for Easter, or at least donate all their profits to charity. They should boycott any event that showcases a rabbit or a colored egg. They should put the Christ back in Easter. Well, that doesn't ring quite as well as Christ back in Christmas, but you get my point.

Does anyone else remember when the Christian church used to be the inspiration for art? Now it just seems to be the inspiration for outrage.

Easter is coming up and it's time for our thoughts to return to the real meaning of the holiday: Cadbury Cream Eggs. Or candy in general. And hiding eggs so our kids can play in the grass.

Oh, and that Jebus fellow everyone at Fox News is so enamored of.

I hope the Easter Bunny is kind to you!

Can God, if S/He exists, cure people? Or is it just the penicillin doing the work?

Some say God can heal. But He/She can't heal amputees. At least he has never done so despite all the prayers. I guess amputees aren't worthy of His/Her saving grace.

In Ohio, televangelist Darlene Bishop is being sued after she told her brother God had healed his throat cancer. The brother stopped taking his treatments and spent the last years of his life being cared for by his sister. He died of throat cancer 18 months ago. Bishop even wrote a book Your Life Follows Your Words, wherein she describes how prayer cured her breast cancer and her brother's throat cancer. The book doesn't bother to mention his death. Her brother's family is suing her for wrongful death and for mishandling her brother's estate.

In her defense, she claims the book was published while her brother's cancer was in remission, and after she found out it wasn't, she advised him to follow the doctor's advice but he refused.