Saturday, January 28, 2006

Hmmm. Chevron's profits are up 20%.

From behind a podium made entirely of $100 bills, Chevron announced that they have had their most profitable year in 126 years! This includes the years before the government began to crack down on monopolies. Of course, Congress has stopped that. Horrible bother, making their contributers suffer with profit margins below 50% and all. That's why oil companies buy politicians.

Everyone, say "Thanks, Congress!"

Friday, January 27, 2006

I ran across this letter from clergymen opposing the teaching of Intelligent Design, henceforth known as the God Dun It™ Theory. "We believe that the theory of evolution is a foundational scientific truth, one that has stood up to rigorous scrutiny and upon which much of human knowledge and achievement rests. To reject this truth or to treat it as Â?one theory among othersÂ? is to deliberately embrace scientific ignorance and transmit such ignorance to our children," it reads in part. Can't argue with that.

While discussing this with a buddy, we both agreed that Evolution is a fact. Some bacteria have developed immunity to penicillin. They have evolved to be resistant. During the Industrial Revolution in England, white moths disappeared as soot from factories coated trees concealing dark moths from predators. Evolution haoccurreded.

Over at the Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams wrote, "IÂ?m told that if you donÂ?t believe that mammals evolved from lower life forms youÂ?d be a crappy microbiologists. Every time you observed some viruses acquiring immunity you would stop working on a vaccine and sacrifice your first born son."

I feel sorry for God Dun It™ folks. Their God is limited. He is incapable of creating a universe thataccommodateodate evolution. There's comfort in His limitations. An apple falls from a tree? God Dun It™! It rains? Can't predict it, 'cause God Dun It™! A virulent disease becomes immune to antibiotics? God Dun It™! 2+2=4? God Dun It™! Overslept and missed work? "God didn't wake me." (Employee didn't believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher power would wake her when she was ready.) You don't have to learn to expect or do anything. You don't have to learn to think beyond the "got to pee" stage because, well, God Dun It™.

My God, on the other hand, is all powerful. He can create natural laws. He can create evolution. While we can observe evolution, there are still mysteries. And, He is so powerful that His universe has existed for trillions of years. Not just 6000.

Everytime science discovers something new, I am amazed by God's power, and the complexity of His universe.


Thursday, January 26, 2006

NBC has cancelled "Book of Daniel" for pretty much the reason I thought they would: low ratings. The Tupelo, Mississippi-based American Family Association, henceforth known as America's Taliban has credited their boycott of advertisers as being the reason, but all they did was drive folks to the premiere.

Six point nine million viewers watched the premiere episode. By the fourth week the number was down to 5.8 million. Any show that loses a quarter-million viewers a week will get cancelled. It doesn't matter if you tell advertisers you won't buy their crap or if you will buy their crap.

I thought the premise of the show--an Episcopalian priest with a pill habit who holds regular conversations with Jesus, has a promiscuous son and a daughter who deals marijuana--was a little stupid. It's one thing to have flawed characters, but every series has a good guy. It didn't sound like there was one in show. I stayed away because it didn't appeal to me. Not because the Taliban told me what to think.


Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Now that I have griped about a hundred different things, it's time to gripe about my bills. Again.

My plan to get out of debt has been thwarted by Congress, who is bound and determined, apparently, to keep me in indentured servitude forever while saying they want to liberate me. Feh! Politicians. Also playing a role is God, or Allah, or He whose name must not be spoken, or FSM, who let me rack up a $20,000 hospital bill.

I have looked at what I must pay with my next paycheck, and at what my next paycheck will be. I would swear, but I don't want CAP to label my blog under HATE.

Well, it's time to break down and get a part-time job. With my wacky schedule, I don't know where I could work. I am off every Sunday; every second and third Saturday; every first and second Monday; and every third Friday; and every first Tuesday. I've thought about working at a convenience store, or a supermarket, but haven't decided. I mean, I deal with customers all day (Today, I had someone driving an RV from California to Texas, and wanted to stay and one of our most expensive places. When I quoted her the price for two adults and a teen, she said, "Can you charge me for two? My son will stay in the RV."). Having to deal with more of them will only drive me to climb up a clock tower with a deer rifle and start taking people out.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

the flag of Jesusistan

The American Taliban continues to spread. The ChildCare Action Project: Christian Analysis of American Culture (CAP) has decided to ignore Holy Scripture (viz: Matt. 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.") and to impose Christian morality on films. I checked out a few movies (mostly Keven Smith's) and found what I expected to find: holier than thou denunciations of film.

A couple of comments are just too funny not to quote: Under Hate, the first line is "at least 224 uses of the most foul of the foul words." He must be referring to the overuse of the word "Dude;" and, more tellingly, under Sex/Homosexuality "mention of gays adopting children." The mere mention of gays adopting children apparently is bad."

Fear for your country, kiddies. The American Taliban, exemplified by the AFA and CAP, want the same thing that the Muslim extremists want: a religious state with their religion in control.


Monday, January 23, 2006

The next time you call a bed and breakfast reservation service, there are three things I want you to do.

1. Please start your conversation with the date you have in mind. i know you've been thinking about it all day. I know you've checked the calendar--or at least confirmed that there is a 14th in February. Do not start your conversation: "I'd like to book Catnip Cabin please," and then wait for the reservationist to say "Okay. You got it." If someone says something like that to me, I reply, "Tonight?" All you have to do is say, "I'd like to book Catnip Cabin For February 12th and 13th." You don't even have to add please.

2. Only request the nights you will be paying for. Please don't call and say, "I'd like catnip Cabin for the 12th, 13th and 14th." Because I will ask, "Three nights?" or "Leaving on the 15th?"

3. If Catnip Cabin isn't available, and I provide you with a a few alternatives, please do not ask if they are available for those days. One day, I promise, I'll snap and say, "Now why the fuck would I tell you about places that are already booked?"

And for a bonus #4: When I tell you we need a credit card to secure the reservation, and say go ahead whenever you're ready, please please please don't ask "Oh! Do you want the numbers?"

My co-workers and I thank you.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Even though I haven't brought it up in a while, you can still do one more thing to help out the Katrina's New Orleans homeless: Demand that the Saints be given the Lombardi Trophy for the obstacles they faced. They didn't have a home to play their home games. Thousands of people, according to the media, were murdered in the bathrooms of the Superdome (Even though the press later spun those initial reports as complete fiction, we know the truth, as delivered by Kanye West: Bush sent in Hit Squads to eliminate the hated Blacks!), their owner continually threatened to move the team, and, well, they sucked.

As we try to crush out the meritocracy that is fascist America, we have to destroy the meritocracy in sports--the metaphor of American success! In elementary schools across this land, whenever there is a foot race, all all the participants, not just the winners, get a ribbon so they can all feel the benefits of positive self-esteem. How can we so callously smother that self-esteem in later life when they learn that winning does matter? I say, if it's good enough for kids, it's good enough for the NFL!

Give the Saints the NFL championship so they can regain their self-esteem and begin cleaning the bodies from the Superdome!

Conservatives, call Karl Rove! Liberals, call Hillary! (If she thinks Congress is a plantation, she should look at the NFL!) Centrists, call NFL headquarters!