There is no God! If you need me, I'll have my head in the oven.

Praise Gaia and her anointed profits The Goreacle and Tom Brokaw. Hah-Men! Beloved, we are gathered here to worship at the Global Warming Alter, and to smite those non-believers and those who disagree with us. Remember only we have the right to Free Speech. Everyone else must be shouted down and belittled. Now on to the latest news;

Here's a story that proves that if Americans switch over florescent light bulbs, the world won't get cleaner. The Chinese will just destroy the largest nation on the planet, screwing us all. Help us, Goreacle. Fly to China and save us! Tell them that it's America's fault.

And that organic produce you buy? You know. The stuff that's better for the environment? Turns out it's not so good for the environment. The "pollution" (their word, not mine) created by the planes, ships and trains that transport the produce from Mexico and South America offset much of the benefit or organic production. But since that produce doesn't come from the United States, it evens things out because it's less evil.

And to close out this week's "Global Warming is real, and if you don't shut up I'll put out my joint, take of my iPod and get out of my car to kick your ass. 'Cause, you know, I believe in non-violence and live and let live" roundup, the EPA has cited 73 biofuel plants (61% of them) for environmental violations. Since Greenpeace isn't protesting, I have to assume that creating pollution to make a less polluting fuel is okay.

Remember, Beloved, to convert as many heathen as you can. Make sure they cite "many peer reviewed studies" because it's easier than thinking for themselves.

Fortress Amerikkka - Day 392!

Texas Governor Rick Perry, also known as the best governor money can buy, wants to create a new state drivers' license that will act as a passport to make it easier for U.S. citizens to return from Mexico. He knows that it's not something a state can do, so he's sending the idea to Washington.

Under the program, the Texas Department of Public Safety would implant chips in driver licenses to store citizenship information typically included on a passport. The licenses could then be scanned at border checkpoints to verify the information.

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By 2008, federal guidelines will require people returning from Mexico by land to provide a passport.

A passport costs about $97. Shapleigh said the enhanced driver license would cost about $40.

"For ease, convenience and less cost, Americans can return from Mexico and not need a passport," he said.

Umm, excuse me, Mr. Governor, but doesn't trying to make crossing the border easier violate your campaign promise to make crossing the border harder?

It's been a busy week for law enforcement officials and a sad day for adult/teen lovers.

• George A. Langlotz, 58, a Chicago-area High School driver's education teacher was arrested for having a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old female student. (No word if it was in the back seat.)
• Stephanie A. Gross, a 24-year-old New York State High School social studies teacher was caught having sex with a 16-year-old boy in her car, which was parked behind an area restaurant. (Ms. Gross once said, "First woman president? Sure, why not, if Hillary doesn't beat me to it." Apparently, she decided she would rather emulate Bill.)
• Jennifer Elizabeth Bagley, 35, was charged last month for having sex with a female 15 year-old high school student in Tyler, Texas, in 2004. Fark's original link to the story is gone, but what is memorable is a quote from one of the officials: "This is a first for a teacher and student to be of the same sex." Um, no. They need to subscribe to my blog, don't they?
• Troy Michael Bernard, 35, was arrested in Montgomery, Minnesota, for having sex with one of his 15-year-old female volleyball players. The story included nothing that I can mock, unfortunately.

I call on the police officers and legal officials of all states listed above to heed the words of Toronto NOW Magazine: These sex acts aren't crimes. The teens were mature teens. It boosted their self-esteem.

I call on the four teachers listed above to quickly send in their entries to the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story Contest!