Saturday, August 05, 2006

Wow. Sometimes I make a joke, only to find that the real world is already ahead of me.

Waterbury, Connecticut is considering a dress code for teachers. "The Board of Education is developing a policy that would ban such clothing as stretch pants, low-cut shirts, sun dresses, sandals and hats in the workplace. A draft proposal details the acceptable and unacceptable clothing, including what material is appropriate for pants, and would stipulate that skirts can rise no more than three inches above the knee."

Might I suggest burkas? Burkas will hide the distracting bumps and curves and delightfully soft skin of women. Only then will Western men be able to rise above their baser instincts!


Friday, August 04, 2006

Calling all Christian Soldiers - To War!

It is time to respond to the heresy of the Flying Spaghetti monster! I urge all citizens of Jebusistan to pray for a slow, painful death for the creator of this mockery!

Matthew 5:39 says "But I tell you not to try to get even with a person who has done something to you. When someone slaps your right cheek, turn and let that person slap your other cheek." Unlike Genesis, which is 100% true and cannot be argued against, Matther 5:39 is merely a suggestion and open to interpretation. It does not say to tolerate mockery and heresy.

Therefore, I interpret Matthew 5:39 to apply only in the context of physical violence. If someone mocks Jebus, the Lord demands, in Numbers 31:3, "Arm some of your men to go to war against the Midianites and to carry out the LORD's vengeance on them." And by Midianites, the Lord means the Flying Spaghetti Monster creator.



Thursday, August 03, 2006

Capitalism at Work!

A recent news article in the Indy Star reports that the Indiana Attorney General is going to investigate price gouging by oil companies in the state. He has noticed that as gas prices have gone up 30%, oil company profits have gove up 30%.

This is supply and demand at work, folks. They got the supply, and we got the demand, so they set the price and we either pay or the Hummer sits in the driveway. Since Amerikans don't like mass transit, we pay!

We don't get upset when McDonalds announces record profits after a price hike. Gas is not a necessity of living. I have heard that there are people in New York who have never driven a car! A gas guzzling SUV is not a necissity of living. We could have been buying fuel efficient cars that get 25 mpg, but no! We wanted big fiberglass behemoths that would make us look like we're manly men when we only buy tofu! (Here's a link to Hummer's site. Once you enter, select Hummer World and choose TV commercials from the drop down menu to see how Hummer enhances you manhood.)

I have complained about Exxon's $9 billion in profits last year. But the truth of the matter is, we have no reason to complain. This is how our capitalist economy is supposed to work. If something becomes popular, the price of it goes up.

Besides, printer ink costs more per gallon than gas.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The TV industry is going to launch a $300 million ad campaign to teach parents how to protect children from objectionable shows.

How can children be exposed to objectionable shows? The greatest President ever, Bill Clinton, got v-chips installed in TVs. Problem solved, right? You mean to tell me that America's greatest President made a purely political move? That the V-chip isn't the silver bullet we were promised?

And that off button doesn't work too well, either.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Burka Time!

Yet another teacher has used her feminine wiles to seduce a young, male citizen of Jebusistan. I'm telling you, in order to protect the virtue of our adolescent men, we need to require that female teachers and students wear burkas! Only then can our young men be able to resist the allure of their female teachers!


Monday, July 31, 2006

A free magazine called BabyTalk recently ran an article about breastfeeding. On the cover, they showed the side of a breast and the face of a baby. No nipple! One of the whiners explained that she shredded the magazine because "A breast is a breast -- it's a sexual thing."

Then why breastfeed? If a breast is a sexual thing, wouldn't breastfeeding be sexual contact with a minor?

Babytalk editor Susan Kane says the mixed response to the cover clearly echoes the larger debate over breast-feeding in public. "There's a huge Puritanical streak in Americans," she says, "and there's a squeamishness about seeing a body part — even part of a body part. It's not like women are whipping them out with tassels on them! Mostly, they are trying to be discreet."

It's time for the Republican Party, Amerika's first religious party, to take a page from Islam. Burkas! Make women cover themselves from eyebrow to ankle so that no child could ever see anything that arouses them. Think of the number of hot blonde teachers that seduce innocent young men into sex. Had Mary Kay Letourneau been wearing a burka she wouldn't have been able to seduce that poor boy. And if Heather Carter and her 17 year-old lover had been wearing burkas, they wouldn't have had sex.

Burkas! Women, wear yours today to show you love Jebus!

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