Saturday, December 31, 2005

What a cool shirt!

Being shameless, and, at the same time, trying everything in my power to generate income, I designed a really cool shirt that is for sale at my CafePress shop. Well, actually, CafePress provided the shirt, I came up with the design on it, but you get the idea.

Doesn't everyone on your shopping list deserve one of these beauties?

Happy New Year, anyway!

Oops. Sorry. I meant a hearty, American "Merry Chris$tma$!" Reason for the season and all that crap.

Friday, December 30, 2005

In the dictionary, under the word "ballsy," you will find this picture. You will also find it under stupid, and under grounded for life.

Farris Hassan, a 16-year-old teen from Florida, snuck off from home shortly before the Christmas holiday to practice a little immersion journalism. He goal was to visit Baghdad. So, alone, he travelled to, eventually, Beirut, Lebanon, where he caught a plane to Baghdad. He was eventaully turned in to the US Embassy, and is on his way home, where a very angry Iraqi-born woman will no doubt have some very strong words with him. Here's the whole story. Read it and be amazed.

I have to admire this kid. His little adventure may have been ill-advised, but you can't deny his courage. A lot of kids his age would have been happy surfing blogs for their journalism class. He's travelled. He's risked his life.

Geez, I hope he writes a book.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Now that Chri$tma$ is over, can we acknowledge that it's Hannukah? Or is it still Chri$tma$ until you go back to work? Or should we tell a large portion of the US population to go back where they belong if they don't want to hear "Merry Christmas"? Ain't this America?

Hannukah, for those of you who are "Americans" (i.e., Christians), celebrates two events in Jewish history: the defeat of Antiochus IV, and, according to Wikipedia, "The triumph of Jewish purists over Hellenized Jews." More spiritual Jews downplay the military origins and celebrate instead the miracle of the oils. After the Maccabees discovered that almost all of the ritual olive oil in the temple had been profaned, they found only a single container that was still sealed by the High Priest, with enough oil to keep the Menorah in the Temple lit for a single day. They used it, and miraculously, that oil burned for eight days (the time it took to have new oil pressed and made ready). That's why Hannukah lasts eight days. This year, it began on December 26th and will last until January 2.

By the way, all these events occurred around 200 B. C., which means the holiday predates the Christmas holiday, established in the 4th century A. D. That's the real reason for the season, since Jesus was most likely born in the spring.

Okay. All you "Americans" can now pull your fingers from your ears, stop saying, "I can't hear you! LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!" and go about your holier-than-thou business.

If "non-American" Jews are reading this, HAPPY HANNUKAH!


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I was watching TV last night, when a guy in a chef's jacket who spoke in a Cockney accent and called himself Chef Giornali started pitching his omelet pan. "The grea'est fing in tha world!" he gushed in Cockney. (Sorry if I spelled it wrong. That's what it sounded like. Spoke like Eliza Doolittle, 'e did, Guvnor!)

"Chef" Giornali called it the greatest "Flippin' fry pan in th' world!" I about wet my pants! Flippin'! HAHAHAHAHA! What really got me laughing, though, was this line: "What's really unique about this pan are the flippin' gears hidden in the handle. A push of each spring loaded button, causes "the fliping arms to fold your omelet." You gotta have no flippin' sense of humor to laugh at that! That's funny right there, that's what that is!

You have to wonder: did they write it first, then hire the guy to be the chef, giggling like schoolboys the whole time? "Heh! He said, 'flippin'! Heh heh heh!"

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Quick! Call Bill O'reilly and the Jesusistan Enforcers. Someone has corrupted Star Wars, that fine Christian film franchise and it using it to dis American Christian traditions. This must not stand!

All of the Faithful, summon thy prayer groups! Call forth thy angry denouncers from the media! Set alight thy fiery crosses! Lock and load! The BATF is at the gates, and the Hounds of Hell cannot be far behind!

There's a Star Wars dreidel game! And they are luring Christians to play! I know! Christians playing aHebrew game. Eeeeeewwwww! Don't those people understand that this is AMERICA? That this is Chr$tma$? (Thank goodness they'll be going to Hell, along with the Holidays, where they won't bother us for all Eternity.)

Oh, the humanity! This calls for a week-long protest of all Star Wars products until George Lucas recants his position that these holidays belong to anyone other than Christians.

Or until the kids demand the latest Star Wars toy. Whichever comes first.

Praise Jebus and pass the blaster clips!


Monday, December 26, 2005

Bill O'Reilly would be pleased. We honored the American tradition of Chri$tma$. We had a Chri$tma$ Tree, Chri$tma$ presents, and a Chri$tma$ ham. And we generated a big ol' pile o' Chri$tma$ trash! If you don't like it, you can leave!


Sunday, December 25, 2005

Santa brought me a head cold for Christmas. I will be back to offend as soon as possible.