Saturday, October 08, 2005

I can't beleive the Imams in Jesusistan let this get by them! I mean, they already have the bible translated into Pig Latin. Why are they behind the curve on this? Their plan (or jihad), after all is to get all of the country praising Jebus , isn't it? Anyway, An Australian Christian group has translated the Bible into text-speak so church-goers can spread The Word via mobile phone. Praise Jebus!

Here's a side by side comparison of the first sentence:

"In da Bginnin God cre8d da heavens & da earth." - Text-speak

"In-ay e-thay eginning-bay Od-gay eated-cray e-thay eaven-hay and-ay e-thay earth-ay." - Pig Latin

"Daq tagh joH'a' chal je tera'." - KLV


Friday, October 07, 2005

After six weeks of avoiding using my right leg, i am now trying to learn how to walk with the boot the doctor makes me wear. Do me a favor. If you see me thrashing around on the floor, give me a hand. Okay?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

A Lesson in Medical Terminology

I arrived at the hospital at 7:30 am, as instructed, without anything to eat or drink since before midnight. I registered at the front desk, then hobbled back, down a 75 yard long hallway, to Outpatient Surgery. After six weeks on crutches, I still can't catch my breath when I walk long distances. I wondered alound why they force you to use a wheelchair when you leave, but don't bother when you arrive.

When I got to outpatient surgery, the nurse told me to change into the hospital robe, and said she'd be right back. Twenty minutes later, she came in and took my medical history. Then she compared it to the rather lengthy form I filled out the night before to make sure I hadn't changed any of my answers. She gathered up the forms and said she'd be right back.

Thirty minutes later, I opened an old copy of Reader's Digest and had only read about six pages when the nurse came in and tried to start an IV. After much cursing and slapping of my veins, she called in reinforcements. They finally managed to get the IV in at 8:45 am. (Apparently, my veins are, like me, deep.)

At 9 am, they told me that they were ready for me upstairs, and asked if I needed to go to the bathroom. I said no. My surgery was scheduled for 9:30, after all and was supposed to take only about 30 minutes. So down the hallway we went to pre-op. The orderly who pushed my gurney and me into pre-op was named Jeffrey, too. But when people greeted us in the halls with, "Hi, Jeff!" I wondered how so many of these people knew my name. And this was before the drugs.

In pre-op, a nurse who looked like my mom's youngest sister, Delores, greeted me in a voice that was a dead ringer for my aunt's. "Hi, Jeff! How are you today?"

For a couple of minutes, I wondered how Delores got here from Hobbs, New Mexico, and why she would come just to see me when the screws were taken out. Then I realized she wouldn't come just for that, and I remembered that Jeffrey was the orderly.

As soon as I was in the pre-op area, a nurse came along to get my medical history, and compared it with the two previous forms just in case I'd developed something in the elevator. Then, she left me aone, while she chatted with the two other nurses on duty.

The nurse who looked like my aunt was from Amarillo, and had that West Texas twang my aunt had, so I spent the next hour remembering that she wasn't Delores.

That's right. An hour and a half. Laying there on a gurney with nothing to read. I finally flagged down Delores and said I needed to pee and that I couldnt walk. She brought me the necessary equipment and draining my bladder killed a couple of minutes. Then the first nurse said, "I don't know why they brought you up here so early," as she handed me a magazine. I got to page six, when the OR nurses came to wheel me into surgery.

The anesthesiologist came in, and made sure I hadn't had a surgery since I arrived that morning, while on of the nurses wrote on a dry erase board on the wall "10:27." Then I got my happy juice and was out like a light.

They woke me up at 11:30, and rolled me back into Outpatient Surgery. They let me dress and by 12:30 pm, Jeffrey wheeled me out to the car in a wheel chair. I did ask him where he was when I got there this morning.

So here's the lesson in medical terminology: "right back" and "ready for you" mean "in an hour or so." Plan your next hospital trip accordingly.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Hopefully, today is the last full day on crutches. I am to be at the hospital at 7:30 am, without having eaten anything since the previous midnight. The surgery is scheduled for 9:30 am. At that time, the doctor will remove the two horiontal screws holding my leg bones in place.

Now the rumor is that as soon as those pins are gone, I can throw away the crutches and start putting weight on my ankle again. While I doubt disbeleive my doctor, I just don't trust doctors in general.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Announcing the winners of the Bill and Hillary Rodham Clinton award for Empathy and Compassion! This week's winners are:


In an increasingly rare example of compassion for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, the Buffalo Bills allowed the New Orleans Saints to win, 19-7. This puts the Saints one step closer to their Super Bowl Victory in Super Bowl XL.

The other NFL teams need to take a lesson from the Bills, and Let the Saints Win!

Congratulations to the Bills for putting Justice ahead of profits! And for demonstrating to the Bush Administration what true Patriotism is!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

According to a story in the Arlington Post, the parents of Eric Wellhausen are suing the University of Kansas. Wellhausen fell to his death from the fifth floor ledge of his dorm after a night of drinkig. He wanted a smoke, so he opened the window, removed the screen, and then slid down a few feet to a ledge designed to dissipate heat in a fire, and fell to his death. His parents are arguing that the school didn't do enough to prevent the accident. The school, however, says that all students are told that it is not permissible to use the ledges.

The school cannot seal the windows closed because of fire saftey. And, in fact, the windows must be able to open in the event of a fire. So in essence, the University is being sued because it is following the local fire ordinances. It's the school's fault that their son died, not the person who purchased the alcohol for an 18 year old.But it certaintly isn't Eric's fault, because he was drunk, and therefore, apparently, not responsible for his actions.

If the parents win this suit, every drunk driver in the world should rejoice. Alcohol consumption absolves you of respnibility for your own actions. I'm sure MADD is thrilled about that!