Once again, a mature teen has fallen for the sexy wiles of their female teacher. Once again, the mature teen wasn't complaining. This time, the parents of the girl, (That's right! It's a lesbian affair! Call out GLAAD!) found text messages that suggested the youngster had had her self-esteem boosted by the semi-hot art teacher.

We call on the police in Thompson's Station, TN, to release Heather Thorsby, in accordance with the NOW Toronto magazine article finding no psychological damage to teens in May-December relationships. We also call on Thorsby to submit her steamy account of her hot woman-on-girl action to the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story Contest.

Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher are planning a romantic rendezvous and plan to meet a couple more times during the week in an effort to rekindle old feelings. And attract interest in a reality show. Fisher shot Buttafuoco's then-wife, Mary Jo in 1992, becoming famous as The Long Island Lolita.

If any of you watch this, are you rewarding attempted murder? What next? Sex tips from Mary Kay and Vili? Accounting tips from Enron bookkeepers? Drunk driving lessons from the Kennedys? Seduction techniques from Catholic priests and hot female teachers? Target shooting with John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo?

The real culprit in Global Warming? Canada. In 2005, while running for office, former Prime Minister Paul Martin chastised the US for not committing to the Kyoto Accord. US emissions had risen 13%. Canada's had risen 24%.

But. . .but. . .America is selfish and evil, the Goreacle says. We're responsible for Global Warming (Praise Gaia and her anointed profits Al Gore and Tom Brokaw! Hah-men!). China isn't. Canada isn't. So as you sit in your air conditioned room, reading this on your computer with cold can of Red Bull at your side, you are destroying the planet.

And so it begins.

Britain is looking at banning smoking and driving. They hope to cut down on accidents. Germany, Australia and America are looking at similar bans. I believe America is the only one banning it because of the health issues surrounding smoking. I say that because if we were really interested is stopping distractions behind the wheel, we'd ban talking on the cell phone while driving. Or singing along to a song behind the wheel. Or rehashing the argument we had at the office while driving. But we're not, so it has to be about second hand smoke.

The man who invented the Internet has done it again! Why the Goreacle hasn't been given a Nobel Prize baffles me.

The Goreacle is going to organize a concert called (Wait for it!): Live Earth! It's a concert to raise awareness about Global Warming. Oh, and get money to a Foundation called The Alliance for Climate Protection. And, oh yeah!, Al Gore is the chairman! What a coincidence!

Let's see if I understand how this is going to work: there will be concerts on all continents. Each continent will use enough power to light a small city for several days. It will cram thousands of people together, and sell them food and drinks with large carbon footprints. All to let us know how we're destroying the Earth.

Sir Bob Geldof is angry. "Live Earth doesn’t have a final goal," the organizer of the first world wide concert, Live Aid, said. "Why is he actually organizing [the concerts]? To make us aware of the greenhouse effect? Everybody’s known about that problem for years. We are all fucking conscious of global warming." He also upset that the name sounds like his concert, Live8.

Don't be jealous, Sir Bob. That's just the Goreacle innovating again.

I wonder if the Goreacle will pull a Phil Collins: Appear at one concert on one continent, then fly on his private jet to another continent to close that show. Wouldn't that be innovative?

Here's an idea, Al. Have one concert powered by renewable sources. Broadcast it to all continents. Think how much CO2 you'll be saving!

But I forgot: What you do and endorse has no effect on the planet. What we do destroys it.

I hope everyone had a Happy Female Parental Unit day. I hope that, like Chri$tma$ and Ea$ter, you celebrated the true meaning of the holiday by buying gifts. Oh, wait! That is the true meaning of the holiday.

The card companies have pushed Mother's Day with a ferocity comparable only to Valentine's Day, aided and abetted by the chocolate industry. Instead of honoring mom, we buy her a card, some candy and take her to dinner. And as long as we're spending money, the big corporations are happy.