ALERT!

AP News has learned that--Horror of Horrors!--sexual misconduct is sweeping public schools!

No shit?

Hold on to your burkas, ladies, they don't mean you. They mean men!

Want proof do ya? Check out this link. And this one. Most of the perps in the CNN story are men.

Older men prowling for younger women don't have a cute nickname like "cougar." Nope. They're just pedophiles and sickos.

John "Jamie" Allen, A theology teacher and girls' soccer and volleyball coach at Vail Christian High School, in Edwards, Colorado, was arrested in California and charged with felony sexual assault on a child by one in a position of trust after the teen girl sent an e-mail to the wrong person saying she wanted to end the "alleged relationship." The girl's family has announced it will pay Allen's bond.

If this had happened in Portland, Maine, and the undoubtedly smoking hot teen's parents had signed her up for medical care at the school, she could have gotten birth control pills.

I keep telling you Christians, Burkas are the answer!

If we follow the logic of NORML, any illegal activity that people do often should be legalized, then hot white teachers having sex with teens should not only be allowed, but encouraged. Cases in point:

• "Former Kearny High School English teacher Celeste Adamski has pled guilty to one count of official misconduct, and as part of a plea agreement, will never teach again, The Observer has learned. Adamski also admitted to having sexual intercourse with one of her students, who was 17 at the time." Source

• Jessica Ashley Kahal, 22, a former female music teacher and band director at Helix High School was arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old student. Source

What say we pass a law requiring hot 22 year old teachers to hit their 17 year old students. Think of the self-esteem boost!

Since we have received no entries in the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story contest, I have decided to once again be outraged at allegedly adult women having sex with teen boys and, if they are hot and white, not getting jail time but getting modeling contracts or TV movies made about their illicit love. I do reserve the right to celebrate any teen boy's bagging an older hot woman.

Twenty-two year old Ashley Thompson of Kansas was charged with statutory rape of a 15 year old boy. They boy had been hired by Thompson as a baby sitter, only to discover he was sitting more than the baby. (Where were those jobs when I was fifteen?) At no time did Thompson force the boy into the sex act, and the boy wasn't complaining. But the former Mr. Thompson was. He ratted out his wife and now she's charged with statutory rape.

I keep reminding all you luscious, sexy women, that we mere men cannot resist your charms. It is incumbent on you to take steps to prevent us from gazing on you wonderful bodies. Start wearing a Burka! Please. For your own protection.

Two sexist, teen boys in McMinnville, OR, are about to be labeled sex offenders for life for slapping a couple of girls' butts. Not for saying, "Who put this pubic hair on my coke?" or "That blouse looks great on you, Louise." You know, the standard forms of sexual harassment. Apparently, they were running around slapping everyone on the butt, and, possibly fearing charges of gender bias or "Old Boy Network-ism" (you know, the things that have closed men's clubs, men's colleges, and opened the Boy Scouts up to women--but have allowed women to keep women's clubs, women's colleges, and other all women activites closed to men) included a couple of girls.

If only the girls had been teachers! Then there would have been sex and the boys victims.

Hello, Zero Tolerance! Goodbye, Rationality.

Lauren Cosgrove, 28, a 7th Grade Language Arts teacher in Denton, Texas, boosted the self-esteem of a 13 year-old boy on July 2 and 3. (I guess the kid got his fireworks early.) She was arrested on July 10th.

Come on! Look at her face. It's obvious she was concerned that this 13 year-old would never know the touch of a woman and was helping the guy out.

If anyone out there knows Laura, have her submit her tale of hot, steamy teen love to the Pete Townsend Teen Romance story contest.

Why, O Why is William Green being jailed? He selflessly boosted the self-esteem of a 13 year old girl and they treat him like a criminal! He should be hailed as a hero!

This is a banner day, folks! Two more entrants in the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story Contest from the same case!

An unnamed 38-year-old female substitute teacher at Prescott Middle School in Prescott, Wisconsin, has been fired after being caught boosting the self-esteem of a mature 13 year old boy. Late one night, the boy stole his mother's car and drove to the teacher's house, where, instead of boosting the self-esteem of the teacher's 13 year old daughter, who he had been dating, he got his self-esteem boosted. Unfortunately, the boy's father followed him and caught them mid-boost, so to speak.

We'd like to congratulate the unnamed mature teen boy for being the first in our parade of Teen Love Stories to have bagged both the mother and the daughter! We hope he sends his scintillating tale soon. We'd also like to congratulate the mom for bagging a mature teen in his sexual prime. Please send us your account of this steamy affair.

To the 13 year old daughter: We're sorry your mom is a MILF.

It's been a busy week for law enforcement officials and a sad day for adult/teen lovers.

• George A. Langlotz, 58, a Chicago-area High School driver's education teacher was arrested for having a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old female student. (No word if it was in the back seat.)
• Stephanie A. Gross, a 24-year-old New York State High School social studies teacher was caught having sex with a 16-year-old boy in her car, which was parked behind an area restaurant. (Ms. Gross once said, "First woman president? Sure, why not, if Hillary doesn't beat me to it." Apparently, she decided she would rather emulate Bill.)
• Jennifer Elizabeth Bagley, 35, was charged last month for having sex with a female 15 year-old high school student in Tyler, Texas, in 2004. Fark's original link to the story is gone, but what is memorable is a quote from one of the officials: "This is a first for a teacher and student to be of the same sex." Um, no. They need to subscribe to my blog, don't they?
• Troy Michael Bernard, 35, was arrested in Montgomery, Minnesota, for having sex with one of his 15-year-old female volleyball players. The story included nothing that I can mock, unfortunately.

I call on the police officers and legal officials of all states listed above to heed the words of Toronto NOW Magazine: These sex acts aren't crimes. The teens were mature teens. It boosted their self-esteem.

I call on the four teachers listed above to quickly send in their entries to the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story Contest!

Teacher Rebecca Becker, 28, and teacher's aide Maria Zurita, 28, were arrested for boosting the self-esteem of two underage boys. In a curious twist, the pair of women are facing felony charges of third degree rape! For sex with mature teens! The authorities in New York should take a lesson from the California legal system. In Modesto, Anna Walker plead guilty to two charges of boosting the self-esteem of two teen boys and got 300 days in jail. That's 150 days for each kid. And as a bonus, she doesn't even have to register as a sex offender.

C'mon, ladies! Send your stories in to the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story contest! And make 'em steamy!

We have another candidate for the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story contest!

Joseph Tucker, 28, was arrested for boosting the self-esteem of a mature teen female student in St. Paul. At this stage, no one has been able to prove that force was used on the girl, making this the exact opposite of a crime, if you ask me.

We call on Mr. Tucker to send in his entry for the PTTLS contes. Way to go, Joseph!

Kirk Hellwig, a 37-year-old social studies teacher at Columbia High School in Albany, New York, was arrested for boosting the self esteem of a mature teen, a 16 year-old male student. Once again, a teacher is being unfairly arrested. The mature teen did not report the contact, other jealous students did.

We invite Mr. Hellwig to send us his story to enter the Pete Townsend Teen Romance Story Contest, and prove that the mature teen benefited from the experience.

Once again, a mature teen has fallen for the sexy wiles of their female teacher. Once again, the mature teen wasn't complaining. This time, the parents of the girl, (That's right! It's a lesbian affair! Call out GLAAD!) found text messages that suggested the youngster had had her self-esteem boosted by the semi-hot art teacher.

We call on the police in Thompson's Station, TN, to release Heather Thorsby, in accordance with the NOW Toronto magazine article finding no psychological damage to teens in May-December relationships. We also call on Thorsby to submit her steamy account of her hot woman-on-girl action to the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story Contest.

Apparently, the folks over in England haven't heard that May/December romances are good things. A 18 year old schoolboy testified against his 29 year old teacher, smoking hot Jenine Saville-King, saying that they had a relationship when he was 15. He was obviously misinformed about how beneficial that type of relationship is because he is testifying against her.

I am eagerly anticipating, Mrs. Saville-Kings account of her conquest and self-esteem boosting of the young lad and hope she will submit it to the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story contest!

Thirty-one year old Tracy Booth boosted the self esteem of a 13-year old student (a mature teen, obviously) three times in the last 6 months. Congratulations, unnamed student! You bagged an older woman! Drop us a line with the steamy details so we can document how this has helped you.

We know this wasn't a sex crime, but a true romantic situation, because the police were tipped off by a third party, not the lucky boy, who was her student at the private Newark Boys Chorus School! We demand the release of this innocent woman, so that she and her mature teen lover may be together forever! And we ask for their entries in the Pete Townsend Teen Love Story Contest.

A Hutto police officer was arrested for paying a 16 year-old girl $50 to pose topless for him in his office at school. Frankly, I don't understand why he was arrested. The girl didn't complain. Someone else tipped off the police. Why is this man in jail? She was probably a mature teen, and it's not like he killed anybody. It was probably good for this girl's self-esteem.

In accordance with Now Toronto Magazine's recent article, we are calling for the release of this innocent man and for his story and any photos he might have.

Ah! Here's another reason why Now Toronto Magazine is encouraging women to prey on teenage boys: There have been fewer male births in the US in the last 30 years. This means fewer males for your garden variety sex-starved teacher. The competition will be come fierce, men. You can now wait for them to come to you. So to speak.

I for one welcome our new female overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted blogger, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground bonbon caves. . .

Remember, folks, send in your stories of teenage conquests or being conquered as a teen for the first annual Pete Townsend Teen Love Contest! Just post them in the comments. The winner will receive a really crappy prize!

Good News for Female Pedophiles!

Now Toronto Magazine has reported that women sleeping with minors is a good thing! The law, they argue, "assumes that mature teens are necessarily traumatized by sex with adults [and] also fails to differentiate between sex based on consent and sex based on coercion and the flagrant abuse of professional power." In the specific case discussed in the article, the "victim" never filed a complaint. The police did all the charge filing.

The article concludes, "But besides a Criminal Code that refuses to recognize developmentally mature older teenagers as having sexual agency and the capacity to consent, there is the problem of gender bias in the way the press sensationalizes alleged infractions by female educators. Maybe the prurient news coverage says less about child sexual abuse than it does about our willingness to see female teachers as sexy, savvy and available for adult fantasies?"

(Apparently, women buying into the fantasy of males being at their sexual peak at the age of 18 doesn't enter into the picture at all . . .)

In that light, from this moment forward, Life in the Banana Patch will celebrate December/May (or February or April) relationships, congratulating the minor on schtupping an adult of any sex, and awards to the adult for the greatest age difference. We will actively encourage the loitering near school campuses with the intent to solicit the sexual favors of one of "mature teens", and ask that our readers post comments detailing their experiences with people older or younger than themselves. Maybe Now Toronto Magazine could provide a prize for the "Best Bagging of a 16 year-old." We can even name it the Pete Townsend Award for Teen Erotica. Post your stories of teen conquest in comments today! Let us celebrate the union between teen and adult!

"Thank heaven, for leetle girls," as a famous Frenchman once sang.

Well, since no one is being outraged by women sexually preying on our children, this will be the last call for Christian Burkas. Oh, I'll keep telling you about it. But we will instead, celebrate the act of pedophilia by applauding the student who gets laid, and calling for the immediate release of the accused. In the same breath we will call for the legalization of Child Pornography so that the women may post pictures of their sexual conquests.

On with the last Burka Call: Twenty-eight-year-old Silverado Middle School teacher Christine Spaich was arrested for having sex with the 16-year-old male several times over the last six months. The boy was a former student at the middle school.

As a preview of the next post on this topic, I will invoke NORML logic: There are no studies that having sex with an older person is harmful. It's not like she murdered anyone. It's an insignificant crime, so we should legalize it, rather than clog our jails with these offenders. We should make more room for murderers.

And to the 16 year old boy: You da man! She's hot, dude. Make with the details!

BURKA TIME!

Twenty-three-year-old Emily Streb has been accused of having sex with a 16 year old special ed boy.

Naturally, since she is smoking hot, she was released without bail.

I hope Emily has gone home, fallen to her knees, and thanked the Flying Spaghetti Monster that she is a female and her victim is a male. Otherwise, she'd be facing prison time.

Thank goodness for that double standard! Happy International Women's Day!