Saturday, February 17, 2007

Hang on! I have to write this down: If I ever play golf in Florida and I shank a ball into the water - - LEAVE IT THERE!

Here's why:


Friday, February 16, 2007

It is an unwritten rule that I thought everyone knew: Police officers aren't required to obey the law.

A couple in Kennesaw, Georgia put up a radar gun and some video cameras on their property at the bottom of a hill. They are concerned the people speeding down the hill might endanger their son. They caught Kennesaw police officer Richard Perrone driving a whopping 17 miles above the limit! The homeowner contacted the police department. The police department contacted the homeowners and told them Perrone was pressing stalking charges against them.

Remember, people: Police officers carry guns. If they want to drive twenty miles over the speed limit, they can. If they want to park illegally, they can. They are armed!

There is a bill before the Texas legislature that will exempt any emergency vehicles, whether responding to a call or not, from tolls on toll highways. That means if a police officer is heading home after work in his cruiser, he doesn't have to pay tolls. Why? Gun, of course!

But it would be cool if Perrone wins his case. Then I could press charges against any store with security cameras for stalking. And imagine the fun you could have at a casino without security cameras!

Oops. I forgot. Only people with guns will be able to press those charges. They're exempt.


Thursday, February 15, 2007

I am taking the day off, and since this is my long weekend, I won't be going back to work until Wednesday. I had a few plans for this time off. But they're shot to hell.

Last Saturday, about 7 pm, my nose started running. By morning, my sinuses were packed to the rafters. I had a few allergy pills from the last spell, but I still woke up in the middle of the night, nose blocked, and gasping for air.

I went to the pharmacy to get something strong. Since they have moved the strong stuff behind the counter, FSM only knows why, I had to show my drivers license, give my SSN, address and phone number. After getting the preliminaries done, I told the lady "I am stuffed up. I want something that will drop the humidity by a couple of points. I want something that will evaporate the bottle of water on my desk. I want something that will dry my sinuses so fast, my face will collapse."

She hands me Mucinex D. According to the back of the box, this stuff is so powerful I only need two every 12 hours. So I went home last night, popped two and went to sleep. Never had a problem! I still feel like crap, mind you, and I expect to spend much of the day in a recliner moaning, but maybe I won't be blowing my nose so much.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

If a Blog Falls

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

If you're all enthusiastic about Global Warming (Praise Gaia and her anointed prophet Al Gore. Hah-men!), and you're hoping to spread the faith, picket your local florist. Especially if you're in England.

Increasingly, flowers from Africa are showing up in English florists because they are cheaper than flowers from the Netherlands. All of this jet fuel is polluting the atmosphere increasing Global Warming, which can't be judged by local temperatures and the effects of which can't be predicted. "That's one heck of an atmospheric model you got there, Lou," as Chief Wiggum might say.

So if you're a Global Warmer supporter and are constantly criticizing people who drive, take the high road and don't buy your sweetie flowers.


Monday, February 12, 2007

I have been watching the Left fall all over itself singing the praises of Barack Obama for President. Then they moan that he would be a perfect candidate "if only he didn't smoke." Apparently, smoking causes you to be conservative, or something, and that makes him unqualified.

Apparently, Obama has been reading the opinion polls, because he's quitting. Mind you, he's not quitting because his wife's been nagging him to give it up. He's quitting so he can be President.

I'm sorry, but if the only reason you can't support Obama is because he smokes, you don't have a strong commitment to anything. Getting bjs from interns under the desk? That's okay. Make money in a questionable real estate venture? No problem! Make unprecedented profits in the futures market? Saintly behavior. Claim a $10 charitble donation for used underwear on your taxes? Everyone does that. Throw your military decorations over a wall at a anti-war rally in the 70s, then run on your war record a couple of decades later? Not worth mentioning. But smoke a fucking cigarette? That's the kiss of fucking death! If he smokes, he's scum!

So here's how I imagine the application process. "Pro-choice? Check! For Affirmative Action? Check! Against the Iraq War? Check! For higher taxes? Check! Higher minimum wage? Check! Person of color? Bonus points! Oh! You're a smoker. Too bad. Next candidate!"

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