Saturday, May 20, 2006

Fortress Amerika - Day Cinco!

The Senate has voted on a 370 mile fence along the meskin border.


We need a wall, dammit! Why should the Chinks have the a wall and we can't? Those spics keep crossing our border and stealing jobs from Americans!

Which brings up a question: If the US-Mexico border is 1,951 miles long, how effective is a 370 mile fence? Election year politics? Are our elected officials that fucking shallow?

And, finally, if the beaners are soooooo bad, why did The Chosen Country recently go to bars all across this great, God-fearing land to celebrate Cinco de Mayo?


Friday, May 19, 2006

Fortress Amerika - Day Four!

Venezualan Foreign Minister Ali Rodriguez announced the United States was about to attack! As evidence, he cited the US decision to cut arms sales to the country. You remember Venezuala, right? That's the country ruled by the guy Pat Robertson issued a fatwah against.

Anyway, you can relax, Ali. First, we gotta take care of Iraq, then we gotta finish off Mexico, and suddenly, the Vatican has jumped into line with that whole "creationism is paganism" thing. You guys have time to get your oil into specially hardened bunkers. Make sure you leave the keys out though. We're gonna need them when we come for your "WMDs." Trust me, as soon as we get all the greasers out of our country, we'll get 'em out of yours.


Thursday, May 18, 2006

Fortress Amerika - Day Three! Praise Jebus!

Mr. President. We need to deploy our troops to the Vatican. The Vatican astronomer, Guy Consolmagno, recently claimed that belief in Intelligent Design is paganism.


Consolmagno called the current idea that science and religion were competing ideologies is a destructive myth. And he called Intelligent Design a worship of Nature gods.

Brother Consolmagno argued that the Christian God was a supernatural one, a belief that had led the clergy in the past to become involved in science to seek natural reasons for phenomena such as thunder and lightning, which had been previously attributed to vengeful gods. "Knowledge is dangerous, but so is ignorance. That's why science and religion need to talk to each other," he said. "Religion needs science to keep it away from superstition and keep it close to reality, to protect it from creationism, which at the end of the day is a kind of paganism - it's turning God into a nature god. And science needs religion in order to have a conscience, to know that, just because something is possible, it may not be a good thing to do."

The Vatican is harboring WMDs, Mr. President: Ideas not found in the Holy Bible!


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Fortress Amerika - Day Two!

On April 28, I went onto the Discover card website, learned what my total balance was, and sent a payment in for that amount. I was so proud that I had paid off my Discover card! I got my bill today. I still owe them $80. Huh?

I called them yesterday and asked them exactly how much I have to send them to get my balance to $0. They told me $80. I said, "But I did that last month and I still owe you money!"

Keith, the rep on the phone, tried to explain that the $80 was the interest charge from April 1 to 28, and that as soon as the payment was received, they stopped charging interest on it. I responded by saying, "Well, today was the 14th, and the interest on the interest charges has been running since May 1, so how much do I have to send above the $80 to get my account to $0?" Keith replied, "Just send the $80." I replied, but I did that last month!"

Keith finally told me that if I had just called them last month they would have told me the pay off of my account and it would have included the $80. So I asked him for the pay off on my account, and he said $80. "See," I said, "you wouldn't have told me."

Finally, Keith said that if I keep the account open, he would waive the finance charge. I told him I had no intention of closing the account. So hopefully, my account balance is at $0.

$8000 in debt down, and thanks to my freaking broken ankle, $20,000 to go!

Remember, "Round up the Mexicans just like Hitler did the Jews!"


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Fortress Amerika! - Day One

Has it really come to this? Militarizing our border? Not all of them, mind you, just the one them damn Meskins cross! Our white, northern neighbors are free to come and go as the please.

C'mon, Bush! Just do it! Build a Great Wall running from San Diego to Brownsville!

Keep the Americans on this side of the border, out of the Mexican towns where they go to buy cheap pharmaceuticals and cigarettes. Make sure Rick Bayless cant go to Mexico to eat and film a TV show. Make him do it here with American workers!

Keep them brown skins on the other side, where they can't come mow palatial lawns in Hollywood for $1 an hour. High school kids want those jobs! Where they can't depress the wages, and we can finally blame the real culprit: Congress! They haven't raised the minimum wage on 20 years, and it's them Beaners' fault Congress won't raise the minimum wage!

Put barbed wire along the top of the wall in double rows. With the success of Jail Break, prison chic is in! Make sure to build air conditioned towers along the wall. It gets hot down here.

Once you get the design right, you can build the second prison wall along our northern border. There are French-speakers up there, you know! And make sure you block TV signals. Red Green is on too many American TV stations!

The next President can finish the two north-south walls that will completely secure this nation. You're already spying on our phone calls. It will be just like lock down! You can have the guards frisk us as we go to and from work, confiscate guns, radios, and science books that deviate from the Fundie line. Imagine how much God will bless us when weve subjugated and imprisoned ourselves!


Monday, May 15, 2006

At what point did people become unable to seperate fact and fiction?

I'm not just talking about "The DaVinci Code," and the resultant boycott by the Catholic Church. (They were so successful when they boycotted Life of Brian, The Last Testament of Christ, and Dogma, after all.) Recently a woman in Georgia tried to get Harry Potter books out of schools because it glorifies witchcraft, and has violence too graphic for kids.

We lost Bugs Bunny because parents who used to watch him decided their kids weren't smart enough to know that dropping an anvil on someone can kill them in real life. When I was growing up, I watched Starsky and Hutch, Combat!, Baretta, The rat Patrol, the original Star Trek and all those other, too-violent TV shows. I watched Bug Bunny every day! I still haven't killed anyone.

Sure! When I was a kid, I thought Superman flew because of the cape. In order for me to fly, I thought, all I needed was a cape and I could soar across the sky! One leap from my bed with a towel around my neck convinced me that the cape wasn't the answer.

One of my second cousins was a big fan of Buzz Lightyear. When he was four, he dressed as Buzz for Halloween. His dad built him a pair of Buzz Lightyear wings to go with the costume. He was so excited when he got them on! He ran around the room making swooshing sounds. Suddenly he stopped, put his hands on his hips and looked at his dad and said, "The wings don't work. I can't fly." (At least he didn't try it from an elevated place.)

There are always going to be gullible people. There are the folks who voted for Bush, and there are the folks who think Democrats are saints. There are people who believe that actors are like the characters they portray. And, unfortunately, there are people who believe that no one is as smart as they are, and, therefore, they must be protected for their ignorance. And you and I, Democrat and Republican, gay and straight, need to oppose these people at every opportunity. Otherwise, they will be smarter than us, because we were stupid enough to let them have their way.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Boston Herald published a story about Congresscritters who have taken trips paid for by lobbyists. These lobbysists paid almost $17,000 this year to shuttle Massachusets representatives, their wives and their aides to meetings in celebrated political meeting locations like San Diego, Ft. Lauderdale and Puerto Vallarta. Rep. Edward Markey (D-Malden), Rep. Norman Dicks (D-Wash.), Rep. William Delahunt (D-Quincy), Rep. Barney Frank (D-Newton), Springfield Democrat Richard Neal, and California Democratic representatives George Miller, Sam Farr and Susan Davis were all named in the story. But no Republicans were named.

Hm. I thought Democrats were the party of honesty, integrity and altruism.

Or they could just be politicians. All politicians are crooks.