Saturday, August 12, 2006

The late, great Douglas Adams once wrote, "The intelligence in the universe is a constant. Unfortunately, the population is growing."

A Washington, D. C. activist group beleives everyone is stupid. They say "many people don't know that milk could cause severe gastrointestinal symptoms," and want lactose intolerance warnings put on milk sold in the District. Some people, apparently, will drink milk every day, get sick and not have a clue what caused it.

Yesterday, I had a kolache from the bakery next door, and spent much of the afternoon praying no one was in the bathroom. I figured out that the sausage was the culprit. Maybe this activist group could sue the bakery to get a warning put on the door. "Greasy sausage will give you the trots." Or put signs up along the Southern border reading "Drinking the water in Mexico will give you the runs." Or signs in every city "Driving your car contributes to pollution." Or "TV rots your brain." Or "There's pr0n on the Internet."

To be fair, this group is about two things: stopping milk sales and getting money for lawyers. They want big labels on milk that say milk can cause severe gastrointestinal pain. A label like that on milk cartons will slow milk sales. Their class action lawsuit is on behalf of people who are lactose intolerant and, here's the important part, don't know it. If you know you are lactose intolerant, you are not part of the suit. If you don't know you are lactose intolerant, you won't join the class, thus more of the money in damages goes to the lawyers.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Get This Gal a Burka!

Nineteen year-old teachers aide Jennifer Newcomb was arrested, and ordered held on $25,000 bail after running off with one of her students. Jennifer and her 14 year-old lover fled New Hampshire for the verdant fields of North Carolina where they were discovered a week later.

I keep asking: how do we stop this moral decline? Hide those delightful bodies, ladies!


Thursday, August 10, 2006

Recently, Live Science published a list of the cities most vulnerable to natural disaster.

Hah! Science? This is Amerika,dammit! This is a list of cities God directs to disaster toward. Remember, God does not have the power to create a clockwork universe that runs according to natural laws, like Evolution, or gravity, both of which are theories! Since He can't create natural laws, He has to take a direct hand in the weather, and in your health.

At the top of the list are cities relatively immune to the brunt of nature. Near the bottom are those in the cross hairs of hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis or some other way God tests the faith of beleivers.

This year's list (*=tie):

1. Mesa, AZ*
1. Milwaukee, WI*
3. Cleveland, OH*
3. El Paso, TX*
3. Phoenix, AZ*
3. T ucson, AZ*
7. Colorado Springs, CO
8. Detroit, MI
8. Fresno, CA
8. Minneapolis, MN
8. Philadelphia, PA
12. Chicago, IL
13. Denver, CO
14. Albuquerque, NM
15. Las Vegas, NV
16. San Antonio, TX
17. Nashville, TN
18. Atlanta, GA
19. Omaha, NE
20. Austin, TX
21. Kansas City, MO
22. Arlington, TX
22. Dallas, TX
22. Fort Worth, TX
25. Indianapolis, IN
26. Louisville, KY
27. Washington, DC
28. Baltimore, MD
29. Charlotte, NC
30. Portland, OR
31. San Diego, CA
32. Boston, MA*
32. Jacksonville, FL*
32. New York, NY*
35. Memphis, TN*
35. Seattle, WA*
35. Virginia Beach, VA*
38. Sacramento, CA
39. Columbus, OH*
39. Oklahoma City, OK*
39. Tulsa, OK*
42. Long Beach, CA
43. Houston, TX*
43. Los Angeles, CA*
45. San Jose, CA
46. Honolulu, HI
47. San Francisco, CA
48. Oakland, CA
49. New Orleans, LA
50. Miami, FL

In other words, god hates Miami more that Tuscon! Otherwise, all cities would be equally safe.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

It's Spreading!

School administrators in Arlington, Texas have banned cleavage. “It's gotten bad enough that, unfortunately, our young males are looking at more than their English book, their speech book, their science book,” says school board president Sherri Wade. “And it's kind of nice to have something left to the imagination.”


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Spanish-American War is Over! The Spanish-American War is Over!

Signalling the end of America's longest running war, Congress ended the temporary 3% excise tax on long distance phone calls imposed in 1898 as a luxury tax on wealthy Americans who owned telephones to fund the war! After all, Congress wouldn't take money earmarked for one thing and use it for another, would it?

That's right, kiddies. A tax that lasts 110 years is only temporary in Washington. I'd hate to see a permanent tax!

Gotta run! The ticker tape parade honoring the heroes of the war is starting soon, and. . .

Aww. Never mind. They're dead.

"We have been working for years on behalf of our customers to eliminate this outdated and regressive tax," Bob Ingalls, president of Verizon's Retail Markets Group, said in a statement. "This is a good first step in alleviating consumers' telephone tax burden."

Rumor is that Howard Dean is working on a strongly worded statement condemning the action as tax relief for the rich, and will promise that when Democrats are elected to power, this luxury tax will be reimposed to ensure that the rich pay their fair share! Rich, in this case, being defined as anyone who can afford a cell phone. you know, like anyone who owns a house and sells it for a profit is rich. Like that.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Scientist have discovered a rock formation that looks like the skeleton of the largest dinosaur ever to roam the Earth.

(However, in order not to offend those offended by the cover of Baby Talk magazine, I cannot print the full name of the dinosaur here. I have replaced a letter to make the name of the dinosaur inoffensive.)

The misguided scientists are calling the rock formation that looks like a skeleton a t*tanosaur. (If I allow the the "i" to be printed between the "t"s, young children will become t*tillated. Then they will become bepraived and the universe will spin more rapidly towards entropy. If the universe existed. It isn't mentioned in the Bible, after all. Like cats.)