I want to preface everything I'm about to say with this statement: I like beer. Almost any beer.

Today is St. Patrick's Day, the United States first beer binge day. (I'm not counting Mardi Gras because that has yet to spread across the country, but it's starting!) Today everyone puts on their green, and drinks green beer till they're sick. (As another aside, why ruin a perfectly good beer by coloring it green? you want to show your Irishness? Drink a Guinness!) Tommorrow, we'll be a nation of people walking around with our head in our hands saying, "I wish that cat would quit stomping around!"

Next up is Cinco de Mayo, where everyone grabs a Corona, eats nachos, and dances to mariachi music. Then there's Memorial Day, where everyone with a boat fills it with beer and heads to an open body of water. After that, we celebrate the founding of our country with a beer soaked fireworks festival. Then there's October, when every German community celebrates Oktoberfest. Finally, it's Super Bowl time, when the beer companies encourage us to watch the big game with a lot of their product.

When did celebrating one's ethnic heritage become an excuse to snot slinging, commode hugging drunk? (I don't need one. Making it to 5 pm is good enough for me.)