Monday, January 02, 2006

Kevin Smith made a couple of entries on his blog and I noticed he has seen Brokeback Mountain "...over the course of the last two weeks, I’ve learned to look back fondly on shitting through hemorrhoids – for I’ve had to learn to shit through…

"An anal fissure.

"Those of you who are long-time Stern listeners have probably heard the term before, but according to my proctologist, almost 60% of any given collection of one hundred people are familiar with the condition itself, if not the clinical term. An anal fissure is a tear or rip in the sphincter that travels up the colon in varying lengths. I’m guessing mine happened when a hemorrhoid broke during a particularly tough bowel movement (though, after watching “Brokeback Mountain” last night, I can’t imagine how Jake Gylenhall’s character couldn’t not be sporting an anal fissure of his own after his first, spontaneous mountain-top tryst with Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar, when only a palm full of saliva acted as lubricant; fucking ouch), and it’s made my life a living hell ever since.

[snip - Basically, went to the proctologist yada yada yada]

". . .he could easily see I was suffering from an anal fissure, and that any probe deeper would cause me to leap off the table. He gave me prescriptions for two creams – one to be applied three times daily around the “peri-anal” area, and the other to be applied when needed, for pain. I’m not sure what the first cream does, but the second is essentially a topical numbing agent. I rub it in, and my asshole goes to sleep. If I ever found myself up on Brokeback Mountain, this is the cream I’d want to have in my rucksack… and in my asshole. [snip - more yada yada yada] "The moral of the story: drink lots of water (it’s a natural stool softener, apparently), spend as little time sitting on the bowl as possible (stop, drop, and go), never “bear down” (if the shit ain’t ready to come out by itself, don’t force it out by straining; just wait), and don’t lick cuts on your body – you’d be better off rubbing shit into them instead (though don’t do that either).

"Without good rectal health, you have nothing."

Sorry, the last two paragraphs were just to wrap up the story.

And while Kevin Smith has seen Brokeback Mountain, Larry David (of Seinfeld) fame, has not.

"I haven't seen "Brokeback Mountain," nor do I have any intention of seeing it. In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat, and even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.

"And I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all.

"Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie."

[snip - yada yada yada (appropriate, no?)]

"If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time? I'm a very susceptible person, easily influenced, a natural-born follower with no sales-resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first. My wife won't let me watch infomercials because of all the junk I've ordered that's now piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and bald cures."

[snip - yet again -last time, I swear]

"I just know if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day. "You like those cowboys, don't you? They're kind of cute. Go ahead, admit it, they're cute. You can't fool me, gay man. Go ahead, stop fighting it. You're gay! You're gay!"

"Not that there's anything wrong with it."

Well, after reading those two reviews, I'm reminded of a bit by Ron White. He was trying to prove that his redneck friend was a little gay.

Ron - So do you like porn?
Friend - I love porn, man.
Ron - Do you like to see two women together?
Friend - Hell, no. I wanna see a big throbbing coc. . . I did not know that about me.

Me? I'm avoiding Brokeback Mountain like the plague. But when you see it, and I know you will, don't tell me what a wonderful love story it was. I watched the first Dukes of Hazzard Reunion movie, and I'm still pissed that Daisy jilted Enos at the alter.


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