Friday, December 23, 2005

Yesterday, in our local paper, someone wrote in to complain about the Nativity Scene on our Market Square, which is owned by the city. He wondered it the city would allow a Buddha to be displayed, or statues of other gods. Naturally, this has created quite a stink with the locals here in Jesusistan.

Here's what I wrote to the editor. I have withheld the original writer's name.

I have an idea to get different religious scenes up on Marketplatz. Right now, Big Business makes 90% of their profits worshipping Jesus by making us give everyone a present in the hopes that someone will get us a laptop and an iPod (hint, hint); we gorge on rich, fatty foods for a solid month, thus enriching our physicians later in the New Year; and Texas Hill Country towns light up, luring in the tourists hoping they will leave piles of cash as a memento of their visit.

Obviously, there's a lot of money to be made in the Chri$tma$ $ea$on (But not on Christmas, the day Jesus was born. Everyone has stopped counting the money they've raked in or inventoring the gifts they've received long enough to go to church.) If we can convince Big Business that they'll make fistfuls of cash on a new holiday, they start running ads on TV tomorrow. Look at Kwanzaa! Look at Easter, you know, the holiday where the bunny that clucks like a chicken leaves hard boiled eggs and candy in our yard? (Where's "The Reason for the Season" folks then?) Look at St. Valentine's Day, sponsored by DeBeer's and chocolate companies. Look at St. Patrick's Day, where we celebrate a Christian saint by drinking ourselves into a stupor. Folks are making a lot of money on these religious days.

So, I suggest Odin's Day. It has four things going for it: 1) It's Germanic, and would fit in with the German heritage of the city! 2) We already honor Odin (or Woden) by naming Hump Day after him. We can call the new holiday "Odin's Day," or "Woden's Day," or be lazy and just call it Wednesday. (The paper is already behind us. They publish on Wednesday!) 3) Odin's son was Thor, and the day after Woden's day is Thor's Day, or Thursday. Think of it as Zweite Weinachten or boxing Day. Ka-ching! And 4) Woden's Day comes around every week. There's no need to take the decorations down. They can stay up all year Thing of the labor savings!

Personally, I like the idea of a weekly Odin's Day bonus to fatten my wallet. I won't have to wait 51 weeks for it.

Happy Woden's Day, everyone! Put the iPod in my mailbox.



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