Sunday, April 09, 2006

I believe in America First! I believe that if you are living in America you should do American things! This is America! Speak English! If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for you! Same for food. This is America, you should eat American! We should close all Mexican restaurants! They aren't American, are they? No! They just lure more Mexicans across the Border to work in them! Close the restaurants and the border is closed!

Since we want to keep everyone who isn't American out of America, we need to get these, and other, non-American habits out of our culture!

We also need to look at the film industry! We should pass a law that no film in a language other than English can be shown. It all started with that Passion of the Christ! Aramaic? WTF? Read the Bible, Mel! Jesus spoke 17th Century English! Not some heathen, middle eastern tongue. Also, we need to stop the flight of Americans to Canada to make movies. They say they are doing it because it costs less than in the US. But America needs those wages and fees! This Hollywood outsourcing has to stop! We also need to stop the Canadians from coming here and taking jobs away from Americans. Yes, I'm talking about William Shatner and Colin Mockerie! There is too much Canadian bacon in America. This is America! Eat ham like we do!

Wine? It's French, not American! Stop drinking it! We drink coffee! Not espresso! That's Turkish! They are Muslim! They don't honor the symbols of Christmas! Close all the Starbucks! Chai? We drink tea, dammit! Sweet in the South, hot in the North.

And all you Klingon-loving Star Trek fans, KLINGONS AREN'T AMERICAN! Stop speaking their language and learn English! Same with you Tolkien geeks who speak Elvish! Tolkien was a freakin' Limey! He wasn't an American!

We need to build a big wall, not just along our southern border, but along our northern border as well! I'm for machine gun nests every 100 yards along our borders. We need to keep the foreign contamination out! Close our ports to non-American goods! If you see anyone driving a Mercedes, or a BMW, or a Honda, or a Ferrarri, get their license number so we can publish these traitors' names online!

God bless America! Praise the Lord!

OR. . .

We can create a Guest Worker program in the United States. Guest Workers can enroll at US borders. Guest workers are not subject to minimum wage laws. They are given So-So Security numbers. Anyone who hires them has to withhold So-So Security taxes from their sub-minimum wages. Guest workers must file income tax returns. Anyone who employs guest workers assumes responsibility for the IRS taxes. Guest workers can apply for citizenship after two years of continuous residence in the US. When a guest worker leaves the United States, he or she forfeits their So-So Security benefits.


Blogger Brad said...

A big wall would be perfect! It worked so well in China for so long! Damn Mongolians!

Nice post. I feel like this whole immigrant mess is really interestingly timed. It came out of NOWHERE and exploded in about a week, perfectly coinciding with and distracting from the Republican free-fall. Cooler heads, such as yours, will hopefully prevail. Take it easy.

11:48 PM  
Blogger JB said...

Lol. very funny post; this just killed me....'re kidding, right? =p

5:55 AM  
Blogger ptg said...

¡Ja, ja, ja!
¡No lo creo!
XLNT laff.

4:31 PM  

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