Dear Osama bin Laden,

You're going about the destruction of the "Great Satan" the wrong way. Your approach lacks subtlety, and betrays a lack of sophistication on your part. Crashing planes into buildings and blowing people up will only cause us to dig our heels in and resist you. But, complain to the government that you're offended, and the Political Correctness machine springs into action, granting Muslims special status under the law.

Don't believe me? Who hijacked the planes in your 9/11 attacks? 19 Arabic men between the ages of 19 and 31. Who are we searching for knives and bombs in the airports? White women in their 70s. Round one to you!

Muslim cab drivers in Minneapolis often refuse to take passengers from the airport who might be carrying alcohol, citing a ban on the substance by the Qu'ran or Koran or however you want to spell it. They used to go back to the end of the line and wait for hours for another chance at a fare. No longer. The airport will segregate those cabbies who will allow customers to carry alcohol from those who will not. This policy applies Muslim law, or Sharia, with governmental authority on patrons at the Minneapolis airport. Score one for your side!

Apple's new store on New York's Fifth Avenue is being called an "insult to Islam" because it is cube-shaped and so is the Ka'ba, in Mecca. Not only is it cube-shaped, but they have bars that serve alcohol (to women!), and is nicknamed "Apple's Mecca." Soon, Apple will be forced to destroy the glass building! Score another one for your side!

We've already stopped portraying terrorists as Arabic. Instead, we often portray them as white Europeans. We've done the same thing with the criminals portrayed in our police dramas on TV. Another point for you!

You see where I'm going with this, don't you, Osama? (I can call you Osama, can't I? You already owe me $400.) Complain about being offended and we will bend over backwards to appease you, and make you happy. Be offended enough and we might even elect you President.

I hope you take this advice in the spirit it is intended.

Hugs and Kisses,

Hiikeeba